Release

When is the Time to wash away these tears
That leaves deep stains that shock and shear?
The tears that lingers and etches like acid
The longer they stay the more costly to treat.
When if the Time for the heart to be open
And all troubles are no longer a burden.
The pain and sorrow which weights on the soul,
That has all your happiness and joy in its hold.
Is it Time to finally let it all go, and rise
To heights that one can ever realise?
The departure from a world of stain and regret
And to paradise where memories we forget.
As I sought the signs for my time to release
I try as I might now to find some real peace.

-Nick Lai Weixuan, 'Release' (25/05/2007 Friday)

Have you Released?

Sounds like a catchy phrase for some poster selling new toilet bowls and the like. But in most ways, releasement of one's bad stuff can be as normal as clearing our physical filth. And for those suffering constipation, releasement can be just as difficult.

There are many ways for people to release negativity in their life. Some romantics love to shout at the sea, some prefer to jog and sweat it out. Some even wrote down journal entries on paper, focussing the negative energies into writing them, and burning the pages later. Some try meditation, others just get plain drunk or burst into tears. Which one works for you? What methods do you use?

I have some dirty stuff left behind in me, either as the residue of issues yet to be resolved, or just plain rotten stuff picked up from somebody or something else. It could very well be an event or place which I don't feel quite right about, and have not moved on yet. I have yet to resolve lots of them, in fact all of them. As I feel restless these couple of weeks and sometimes energetic for no reason, I begin to wonder if this is the period of time for some cleansing, which could be long overdue, or merely the next phase in my spiritual schedule.

But no I do no think I will just reveal all those filth out here. This is not the place to air one's dirty laundry ! Perhaps I can try those methods described above. At the very least jogging can help me lose some weight ^^. Maybe I should talk to a counsellor. Maybe I can go for one of those spiritual releasement therapies or those spiritual counselling sessions. If I have the time and resources I'd definately go. Consider this entry the first step in a new phase of my journey at least. Openly admitting that I need to release whatever is holding me back is healthy, and it does pave the way for further developments.

This gets me thinking too. What happens when I am done with my release? What comes next? Am I supposed to feel a certain way or will it all just seem natural? Will I be able to feel better and more energetic once I clear all the clutter in my life? Maybe. I am not sure. Maybe release feels the same as the ending of an important examination, all that pent up tension just gone in an instant! That will definately be a really good experiance.

But then, I'm still at peace now, just fluttered sometimes. An impenetrable shell on a rocky edge of the cliff. Perhaps after this release. I can fly.

We all fly someday, maybe I just happen to be one of the first? :p

"Have no Fear, Nick is Here"

Advice : Taking and Giving

Where shall my hot blood be spilled?
Amidst the clatter of guns and bodies lay still.
Where shall my joy be placed?
Within the empty bodies of the chained and crazed.
How can I fulfill the promise I made to you?
It can never be fulfilled, and doing that makes you a fool.
Should I give you support as you walk on your solitary path?
Give me the support you always give, even when the going is tough.
How can I be a healer, if I have hurt and been hurt?
Healer you can never be, but you can martyr yourself for disasters to avert.
Should I love you, even when you are in another’s arms?
Why can’t you love me, when we’ve been through fire and harm?
Why must I take such advice, when I am talking to you?
Take my advice you fool, because you are me and I am you.

-Nick Lai Weixuan, ‘Advice’ (23/02/2007 Friday)

Giving advice seems to be an easy thing to do, especially when one has a rich personal experiance to draw from. But what happens when the person receiving the advice does not follow on the advice given? Would you take it upon yourself to remind that person? Or would you leave that person be?

What if your personal experiances are limited and clouded by them, impact your own neutral viewpoint in this situation? What if you are mislead by personal bias? What if your advice does not work at all at this unique situation and you are not aware of them at all?

I remember the few instances where I gave advice to others. It works for some, or it has to undergo heavy modification to suit another person's experiances and situation. Sometimes it backfires, and I find that I have alot of work to do to pick up the mess in the aftermath. Advice is really such a hard thing to do properly.

Yet I do not feel proud that I am guiding others in their decisions. I don't feel empowered at all. I feel burdened infact, that I have to shoulder the burdens of others. I get frustrated sometimes that others cannot see what I view was the easiest solution right infront of their eyes. There are also times where I habour bad thoughts, of instead giving the right advice, give them the worst advice, just to see what happens. Granted that did not happen at all. But the potential act was there, and I shudder at that thought sometimes.

Of all the advice to give in the world, advice on relationships are the trickiest. Financial advice can be backed up with calculations and data, advice on career path can be based on a person's qualifications, advice on academic route can be based on a person's scholarly aptitude. Advice on love and relationships? Not a chance in hell you can base it on something tangible.

Relationship and love advice based on intangibles are resolved intangibly. A person's character can never be fully understood enough to form a strong enough foundation where advice can be laid upon. It is a continuous trial and error session by the individual until he hits a winning combination just right for his or her personality and his or her significant other.

I gave some advice to a person lately, on her love life. I don't feel good about it. Because known to herself and myself for that matter, I like that girl alot. And I've let my personal feelings cloud my judgement more than once. And despite myself knowing fully well that the relationship might not last, I encouraged her to go ahead simply because I tried to balance my advice with encouragement, that the person she is involved in might not be as bad as I and some others have felt or said about him. I feel happy deep down that the relationship failed, and was thankful because the guy showed his true colors right before the girl decided to finally commit full scale into the relationship.

I was dead wrong.

Somehow, amidst the celebratory joy within me, I felt that something is wrong. There is this intangible somewhere here and there which just does not seem right. The girl, instead of being relieved, was heartbroken and feeling really down. What happened? Wasn't there minimal emotional commitment during the few weeks? But I guess I failed to calculate one intangible within the whole equation.

The human emotion.

Unpredictable, the very stuff of chaos. Emotions come and go without anyone realising. All that anger and disappointment in the girl, all hide the undercurrent of blossoming affection she holds for the guy. And when I realise this as I lay in bed one night unable to sleep because she got upset again, I nearly hit myself in the head. Why didn't I realise this earlier? Yet I stopped berating myself. Was there anything I could do even if I knew? Nope. Could my advice be altered so that I can help her better? I don't think so.

What I can do now, is to pick up the pieces of a messy aftermath pretty much partially inspired by myself and a few others out there with comments made on the relationship. On the guy actually. And all I could do is to stay by the girl and comfort her while she goes through a recovery phase. And try to cheer her up too. Laughter is the best medicine for everything, and I hope that sincerity would help me through.

I hope for the best.

"Have no Fear, Nick is Here"

Rainy Days

Pitter patter, pitter pit, dripping dropping
On my skin. Cooling drops flowing sliding
Taking my wearies and troubles flowing
Here on the field of grass with the rain clouds floating.
I close my eyes and open my ears, a melody of peace
Washes away fear which makes my soul freeze
All the tears and sorrow, gone in a moment’s peace
As the rain washes my body and my soul piece by piece.
As I dance amidst the curtains of gentle love
The melody slows and stops while the breeze blows
The dream of a gentle angel while I dance I hold
Wave goodbye as she returns to the palace of love.
As I bemoan more tears and pain and sorrows to gain,
I yearn for the gentle cleansing rain again.

-Nick Lai Weixuan, ‘Cleansing’ (23/02/2007, Friday)

I love rain, and when I was a kid I would use any excuse just to get myself drenched. The only price I pay for that, was not a bout of cold. But bags get wet, and its contents are usually ruined. But I feel that its worth it, so I don't care about that much. Now that I'm older now, I have cellphones and other electronic gadgets to worry about, thus I prefer to just find the shelter as close to the rain with as best a view as I can, and just sit down to admire it.

When I was a young boy, getting drenched in the rain carries a special kind of sensation, a sense that is so uplifting, that it literally takes my breath away. As I stand in the rain, or dance under it, I feel at peace. Years passed, getting drenched in the rain carries a more profound purpose for me. It is no longer just a relaxer, it helps me relieve stress, sooth emotional pains and sorrow. When the raindrops hit me, each splatter drives the loneliness and pain away. Anything that is bugging me is drowned out at the moment. The melody is so wonderous and powerful that I can drift away on it.

Of course, this cleansing ends when the rain stops, and all that I had momentarily left behind struggles to catch up again. But still, during the rain everything goes away, and I attained a highest level of peace I can gain so far at that moment. It is a good experiance I will never give up.

I wonder how you people find some form of relaxation and stress removal? I found mine, and I'm glad for it.

Schools

Tall and Wide, Stable and Secure, a sense
Of joy in the comfort of learning and pleasure
Of friendly faces and smiles, all beyond measure,
The Classroom, where I come from, where I found friends.
We sit together and talk as one, our perspiration
Drip drops in the sweltering months of heat and stress.
We hoped and prayed that we really did our best
And we can graduate with joy and fufill our aspirations.
But most are forgotten when the school bells ring
An end of the day, a clattering of books and glee
We ran out like of school, happy to be free,
One day's hard work seemed now like a passing dream.
The Classroom remembers, it always does,
Generations of students, brought together as a class.

-Nick Lai Weixuan, 'The Classroom' (22/02/2007, Thursday)

Funny how that when we enter the workforce, and we really think back in time to the days of our student life, a sense of nostalgia would arrive like the shadow of the night.

Some people complain, that their school sucks, their classmates suck and everything sucks. Well too bad, they viewed a wonderful growing experiance in such a negative light, its probably too late to convince otherwise anyhow.

Education in Singapore is not that bad, and I'm not really going to get into that. Its the spirit of a school, an institution where you can learn more than just book knowledge if you just open your eyes and ears to experiance the school itself. Can you imagine walking down the corridors, and feel hundreds and thousands of ex students who graced the very path you walked? Fine for those with a new campus, isn't it exciting that you are one of the few pioneer generations at this campus who will walk the path of learning before others?

I believe that everybody leaves a small part of themselves with every place they spend a significant time with, and leave a bigger part if they are particularly attached to the place. This is not a bad thing, because the spirit you have for the school endures, and the school itself becomes a holding ground for the collective experiance of all its students.

Ever wonder why some schools feel homely while others feel a little emptier or even intimidating? Its the emotional attachments of everybody that leaves this psychic mark, this mark is felt rather than seen, or smelt like typical men's toilets.

I recount my visit to the new campus for Millennia Institute, the place is fresh and new, the air is crisp and everything looks spanking. What everybody says is true, this school is THE new happening school, and its just so exciting to be there. Its like moving to a new home.

What is particularly exciting about this, is that the school feels very inviting, in the energetic sense, its litterally ready to receive heartfelt blessings. Without hesitation, during the Heritage Walk as well as the Chinese New Year celebrations, I've added a little energetic touch to the school, giving it my heartfelt wishes for it to continue to nurture her students forever. As the Program and Events Officer, I am garunteed more chances to return, and hopefully with each visit, I can feel and receive confirmation that the school is thriving.

As a part time student now, finding work to pay the bills and course fees, the lack of a campus environment fills me with dread. Gone are my own aspirations to be in a school environment for a decent part of a day, filled with classmates I will see regularly and generally not having to worry about most stuff that we don't generally worry about before we hit the working society. Reality is a harsh jug of cold water to jolt one from fond dreams, and this time, I'm still not dry yet.

The poem above is one of my first few attempts, its raw and probably not up to typical poetry standards, but bear with me. As I unlock my poetic juices, I hope I can produce better pieces.

Have a nice day all.

"Have no Fear, Nick is Here."

-Anzillu

Back in Action

Scorn not the Sonnet; Critic, you have frowned,
Mindless of its just honours:, with this key
Shakespeare unlocked his heart; the melody
Of this small lute gave ease to Petrarch's wound;
A thousand times this pipe did Tasso sound;
With it Camoens soothed an exile's grief;
The Sonnet glittered a gay myrtle leaf
Amid the cypress with which Dante crowned
His visionary brow; a glow-worm lamp
It cheered mild Spenser, called from Faery-land
To struggle through dark ways; and when a damp
Fell round the path of Milton, in his hand
The Thing became a trumpet, whence he blew
Soul-animating strains - alas, too few !

-William Wordsworth, 'Scorn not the Sonnet'

Alas too few indeed, where poets emerge with each generation, the sonnet retains its position as one of the mostly used form of poetry amongst the others.

A blog is usually an online diary for a person's thoughts, a typical form and flow that speaks from the writer's perspective. An invaluable source of information where one can glimpse the writer's inner emotions and thoughts, even when there are no words used to express.

The ability to communicate is a priceless treasure humanity has kept dear, and while it evolves, written words have the unique position of being arbitary, since they are recorded somewhat. Even in the digital age where this page can jolly well be altered and editted into a form and flow entirely different from the original, at the very least, it is something there where others can refer to time and time again.

For those who have read the Parchment Tales, a blog created by myself, featuring weekly (or supposedly weekly) mini-chapters of my created fantasy world, thank you for your support. I have decided to take a break from real writing, and getting down to proper characterisation before resuming my work. I don't see if the whole thing can ever end, and finally see my name in print in bookshelves, but I will give this a try.

What has this got to do with the sonnet? Or with blogging? Very simply, the sonnet is a powerful communication form, and through that, as well as other styles in poetry I will try to express my own journey in life, introduce a few characters, the deepest peek into their thoughts and feelings, and chart some calling I have felt since long ago.

This blog will not be updated regularly, but be assured it will be updated as often as I can. I might not kick start any updates with a poem, but rest assured I will kick start each update with something.

Before I sign off, let me begin this lifelong signature quote by myself, and kick start this exciting journey. Have a good day people.

"Have no Fear, Nick is Here."

-Anzillu

First Page

This is the first page, and nothing much to say here. But I'll be writing about some stuff that invoked my feelings and thoughts.

For those who wish to know more about me, you can send a comment my way, I'll send you my e-mail and we can correspond from there.

I have a friendster account too, but for privacy's sake its better not to post here.